My usual image for expat posts unless I can find another, more relevant image. But here, it could be relevant anyway: The most difficult thing for some expats might be leaving home!
I guess what I really mean in the title is what is the most difficult thing for you?
For some people, the most difficult thing about living overseas is missing their family and all the big family events. But others have moved overseas hoping to escape their family and the big events.
For some people it’s the unpleasant realisation of what it feels like to suddenly not have your support network around you–the lack of family and friends nearby can be an unhappy experience. But for others, moving overseas is their chance to start a new life, to begin again, fresh and with a clean slate. To reinvent themselves.
For some people it’s the food. Yes, adjusting to new and different food–especially when it’s difficult to find familiar foods, can be frustratingly tiresome. But for others it is all part of the adventure and the lack of a local pizza joint is ideal for the true adventurers.
For some it’s the language. But for others the language is no problem–either they already speak it or that’s part of the reason they’re there, to learn it.
For me it has changed over the years. Right now it’s the distance from family. Ok, distance from family has always been a difficult thing for me, but now as my parents get older it’s more difficult in a different way.
What about you?
I’ve asked this question over on Expat Focus this month as well, with a bit more about my own experience. Seriously, I’d like to know what’s difficult for you as an expat (or if you’ve ever been an expat, what was the thing you found hardest?) because I am well aware that not everyone finds the same things difficult.
Tell me in the comments here or start a convo over on Expat Focus!
For me, it’s not the big things like missing family, friends, or events. It’s the little things that just come up when I least expect it. Like when I’m looking for something in the grocery store, but it’s apparently really uncommon or it’s called something different, or it’s in a completely different department than it would be in my “American grocery store”. Or when I need to go somewhere and I remember that I can’t drive over here. It’s the little things that remind me just how far away from familiarity I really am, and it makes me want to scream!!
Ah, that’s a REALLY good one–I remember when I first moved to the UK I was having a down day and I thought I’d get a candy bar for a treat (not normally a candy person). I went to the shop that sells them, but couldn’t find a single one that was familiar. Normally, that would be exciting–a chance to try something new! But that day it just compounded my feeling of being far, far from home.
For me the thing I missed the most when leaving South Africa nearly twelve years ago to come to the UK was family-especially my mum. I left her behind in the hope that she’d decide to come and join us and luckily, eight months later, she did. So everything worked out for the best. But I rememember shedding a few tears over the airmail letters she sent over the first few months, telling us how much she missed us all.
On a lighter note, I missed the constant sunshine, my swimming pool, my maid, Nancy who was a treasure and the braai’s (bbq’s) around the pool. However, I got greenery, snow, seasons, a truly magical Christmas atmosphere, the wonderful city of London and beautiful autumn days. So I think it was a pretty good trade off.
How cool that your mum followed you! I can imagine how emotional those first few months were. That’s a tough time for the new expats as well as those they’ve left behind.
Ha! I can well imagine you missed the constant sunshine!!! A swimming pool/ A maid? BBQs around the pool…? You must really REALLY love the greenery, the seasons, and the beautiful autumn days. I agree totally about London. The best city in the world! And it’s interesting that you think Christmas is more magical here–is that because it’s winter and cosy and twinkly?
Definitely agree with the above comment…the fact the grocery stores aren’t as well stocked here drives me crazy. You have to go to two to get all the things you need sometimes and you have to make most things from scratch as there’s not so much in the way of ready-made food for those days when time is short. But the really big thing for me is the aggressive driving in the Middle East. It can really feel like you’re being bullied on the roads … So I do tend to stick to routes I know, which of course limits my reach! I also wish we could see family and friends without a whole day of air travel and jet lag!
I think the limited groceries can have an affect in ways people don’t expect–food is part of our basic needs and if we can’t get what we think we need (even if it’s ready meals for the busy days–nothing wrong with that!), then we feel stress. And after a while that stress accumulates! Check out the hierarchy of needs in the page “A useful tool for new exats” as this is a nice illustration of exactly this. When ‘food’ is listed on there is doesn’t just refer to food as an essential fuel to survive, it also means food that we think we need, in the way you’re describing.
I’ve been to Dubai once and I remember well how aggressive the driving is–not nice. I know I’d hate to go out into that on a daily basis and I’m not a timid driver. I don’t blame you for staying on known routes.
And yes, that distance between us and our family and friends is a drag.
You know what mine is (and by the way, thanks for your comment on my post about my parenting issues – was appreciated!) … the hardest thing for me being overseas is also my most favorite thing.
The ability to experience new cultures and make an AMAZING number of PHENOMENAL friends is also a curse. While I’m exploring new cultures, I’m missing out on memories/traditions with my family. While I’m making a boat load of really great friends from country to country, I’m getting farther and farther from my dear friends (relationship-wise) from back home.
There has to be a way to toe the line in the middle, right?
That is so me. I have loved living overseas, loved the adventure of it, grateful for the challenges and what they’ve contributed to my development, but all the time I’m doing this I see I’ve been drifting farther and farther from family. Luckily for me, they seem happy to don more together again, now that I’m able to again (now that I can afford the flights home more frequently and now that I can offer better visitor accomodation, I mean to say!!).
A compromise? I don’t know. But if you discover it, there’ll be a lot of grateful expats!
I agree! Not only that, you make new friends in new place…more people to say goodbye to. It seems there is no where to live where another person is missing!
For me it’s not necessarily missing the family, though that’s definitely a big thing but I find Skype and so on is excellent at making me feel in touch with everyone. However, I find co-ordinating time differences and weekend plans to get a good Skype window tricky. I also find it hard to be away from the family at big events.
An unexpected tricky thing has been getting to grips with simple basic things that are sold differently here in Canada compared to Ireland or the UK – like “all purpose flour” or knowing the best place for children’s shoes or whether there is road tax and little things like that you don’t even know you knew about living in one country until you come to another!
I find coordinating the right time for phone calls (and Skype) with people 6 hours away difficult as well. The ideal time for me (mid-morning) is not the ideal time for them!
And yes, those hundred million little details that you can only learn from living there, still trip me up all these years later!! There was something only recently that I remember thinking how funny that I didn’t know that by now. Can’t remember now what it was, it was so small.
I found missing big family events very hard. You can’t replace those. Otherwise, I think it’s just that feeling of dis-ease. You can’t quite relax. The French have an expression “etre dans sa peau” – to be in one’s skin. When you move abroad, you don’t feel in your skin. It comes, but it takes a long time.
Good point–you can find substitutions for many things but not the big family events.
And yes, I also understand etre dans sa peau, as when I return to my home in England from being away I feel all relaxed because, as I think to myself, ‘I know this place, I know these people, I know what to expect here.’ But when I return to my home in the States I think, ‘this is my place.’ Even though I moved away over 20 years ago. Interesting, I never thought about it like that before.
Yeah, the big events for friends too. No matter what, we were always missing. My 7 year old cried many nights after our return, always wanting to be wherever we weren’t. We had a school and daily life and a holiday life, but marriages, showers, reunions, we could never be consistent on those.
And the Skype thing isn’t as great as it seems. Six hours is hard and sometimes the delay in streaming makes communication difficult.
As a Venetian, I miss everything about my home… except the tourists! LOL! But in truth, I have travelled all my life (I’ve lived in 41 places in 49 years), so leaving things/people behinds has never been an issue. I’m used to it!
Language has rarely been a barrier – I can generally pick up enough to get by within a few days, and once I’ve got talking to people, it’s easy enough to build upon what I’ve learned. I’ve found that without exception, people are more than willing to teach me… and of course, my accent provides no end of amusement (this was especially true in Thailand, where I lived in constant fear of inadvertently saying the wrong thing, due to it being a tonal language. The words for penis and banana, for example are almost identical to the Western ear)!
I think the most difficult thing I’ve found has to be the poverty of some of the places I’ve lived in, and the lack of basic human rights some people live with. And yet, having said that, in my experience, the less people have, the more generous they are. I am so fortunate to meet and live among some truly remarkable people… and it can be a very humbling experience indeed.
It’s interesting that people have mentioned the shopping thing – it’s precisely what I love about here in Taroudannt! We have no trains, no pubs, no clubs, no supermarkets, no freezer centres, no fast-food places, no McDonald’s, Burger King, or Pizza Hut etc., no cinema, nowhere to buy booze, very few cars, even fewer lorries (but lots of donkeys, carts, and horses).
There *are* lots of tiny family-run shops which sell things like toilet roll, cleaning products etc. and a few items of pre-packaged confectionery but for the most part, the food all comes from the myriad butchers, spice merchants, grain sellers, and greengrocers etc. Oh, and patisseries of course! And there is a dairy, which sells unpasteurised products. Yum! I adore shopping every day for fresh fruit, veg, herbs, etc. – it’s a lot of fun, and I get to practise my language skills too! There may be very little of the 21st century here, and even less of the western world but for me, it’s perfect!
Wow, really, really thought provoking comment here, Nicole!
I can imagine that living in an area of the world where poverty is very close at hand can be difficult. I love your comment on the shopping–how you love how it is where you live! You sound like a true adventurer!
Thank you for the reply, M!
Yes, it can be difficult but it’s incredibly humbling, and it has taught me so many valuable lessons… not least, how to live on very little, how to desire very little, and how to appreciate everything! Also, how even when there is little in the way of common language, it’s actually easy to make friends. Lots of smiles seems to be key to this!
As to being an adventurer – I’ve never thought of myself as such… I’ve just always got on with things, and been fortunate that things have always worked out! But it’s lovely of you to say so… perhaps I shall invest in a pith helmet! Heheh!
For me, the hardest thing had to be the holidays. I tried my best to do things the same way, but it is hard when the same resources aren’t available: It’s difficult to go watch a movie at the cinema on Christmas Day (my family’s tradition), when they are all closed.
I ended up making new traditions out of necessity, some of which have carried over even after I returned to the States.
That’s kind of cool that the new traditions have carried over to your return home! I love that.
Okay, this may sound really superficial, but the one thing I miss the most about living in the U.S. (aside from family and friends, of course) is SPACE. I miss not feeling like I’m on top of someone else. And I miss having the space for things like a tumble dryer and a dishwasher — without having to find “creative” ways to squeeze them in. Oh, and closets!
Ha! It’s not superficial at all. If you’re used to more space–personal or geographical it can be a really stressful experience to feel closed in. That’s a good one I hadn’t thought of.
I completely agree… but for me it’s sort of reversed!
In Venexia everyone knows everyone else, which is nice; Taroudannt is very much like my home in that respect, especially with all the close buildings. No rivers though! Most recently, in the UK we had a large four storey house (it was a factory conversion), then a very large condo in Chiang Mai, and now a largish apartment in Taroudannt.
By contrast, my MIL’s house in UK, despite having four bedrooms (it’s three cottages knocked into one), it feels so cramped because the rooms are small and overly-filled with furniture and ornaments etc., and the ceilings are very low (I’m 5’10″). I have a permanent crick in my neck when we stay there! And of course, despite her insistence that it’s our home too, we’re very aware that it is not!
So I don’t think it’s at all superficial to crave space, Angela – as much as I love my MIL, after three days, I go stir-crazy, and feel a huge need to escape!
Not superficial at all! I miss my big American house now we’re back in Scotland. We all feel on top of each other.
When we moved to America, I so missed outdoor space. I was used to walking everywhere, and using time outside to clear my head. I felt totally cooped up. I was always in a building or in a car. Even when I found a nature center to walk round, it didn’t feel like the freedom I had been used to. Extraordinary that you would feel short of space in the middle of the Great Plains, but I did!
I find it hard to try and keep traditions and songs alive for my kids that I remember from my childhood but I also have enjoyed discovering new ones here in Germany. I like the way Christmas seems less commercialised here in Germany, but that doesn’t stop me from missing Christmas Crackers, a big Christmas dinner and opening presents on the 25th. In Germany, Christmas is celebrated on the 24th in the afternoon/evening. Luckily I can have the best of both as we alternate between Germany and England. It can definitely get confusing for kids when they grow up with two traditions at once.
I love that you can alternate between Christmas in the UK and Germany, and although it might seem confusing to little kids, when they get older my guess is that they’ll think it’s pretty cool that they have that extra thing about their family.
I understand that about trying to keep your childhood traditions alive in your own children, and how difficult it can be in another culture. That’s hard.
Here in the US we Celebrate Christmas on both days!
This changes for me the longer I’m here. What I’m finding now is that as my kids get older, I”m not seeing the same circle of school mom friends as much. The ones who are from here seem to be reverting back to high school and college friends, and I’m not in their “older friends” list.
Also, I regret that my kids have had to grow up here with virtually no family. All their cousins are in England and they are very close to them, but it’s hard when everyone gets together for a family wedding or other event and we’re not there.
I have that too, the regret that my daughter hasn’t grown up around more of my family. In the early days it was difficult parenting alone, and more recently it’s just sad that she doesn’t spend as much time with them as everyone would like.
Food! I’m sure this is an issue that will change over time, but as a relatively new expat (8 months) food is definitely the killer issue for me. Yes, I miss family, but we had been far distant from them for several years already. Language is an issue, I’d like to be better at communicating with local people, but I’m confident that will get better.
Susanna, in what way is food an issue for you–trying to find supplies (or suitable substitutes) that you need for meals?
Interesting about already havng distance from your family, so it’s not much change there.
And yes, no doubt the language issue will improve!
For me, an Italian living in Australia, the big issue is the completely different cultural background. I miss being in cahoatic cities, having ancient churches at each and every corner, Roman ruins, historical places, also if I grew up on the outskirt (and not in Venice or Florence).
When I speak to people, I feel like we don’t have the same “benchmark” and the conversation is hardly deep and significant. But…I’m lucky enough to have found a few very close friends (Eruopean and Aussie) to share my thoughts. And I always think it’s a wonderful experience to be an expat, to face everyday the cultural shock and to bring the positive of all this with me.
Thanks for the question…it made me think about it!
Elena thank you for your comment! The lack of a shared cultural background, the “benchmark” as you say, is definitely a big difficulty for a lot of expats. For me, this improved over time because I began to learn more and more about my host culture–but, as they obviously never learned any more about mine (except my family, of course!) part of me always still feels foreign. I understand what you’re saying completely!! And thank goodness for the internet to give us these opportunities to find others like us!
I would have to say that, this time around, the hardest thing has been being separated from my older son. Yes, I miss my other family members, but I was not quite prepared for not only having my son graduate and head off to college but also be 6000 miles away. Had we been back in the US, I would have seen him quite often at the weekends as well as all of the usual breaks, and he would also have been home with us during the summer. As it is, with school and the impossibility of getting a summer work visa here, he will only have been with us in Seoul for a total of 5 weeks for the whole year.
Looking at your list over at Expat Focus, I have to say how interesting it is that we all have such different challenges: having grown up as an expat, I have found myself very comfortable in the expat community -it was actually a relief to be somewhere where I didn’t feel like quite so much of an oddity. I actually seem to do better in an environment where people are coming and going frequently. I had a hard time adjusting to life in communities where many(most?) people had lived there (or near there) for their entire lives.
Interesting how the issues for each expat are so very different – and how they change based on time and place!
Yes, great point there about how the issues can change over time as well!
I can imagine how tough that would be to see off your offspring to university thousands of miles away.
We now understand the toughest part turns out to be also the funnest part: the Transition.
I don’t mean the culture shock or adapting to the new place, but the transition between old and new. Enjoying the act of change, just as itself.
Nicely put, Jeff!
For me it was not being able to exhale when you have a social night out. You were trying people out – they were trying you out – and this kind of “friends dating” went on for at least two years until you find that you, your husbands and your children get on….for old friends In London and NZ you just start laughing as soon as you see each other and there is not the introductory 20 questions.
What fascinating comments! I came back to read them all – so glad I did.
I just came back too and read every comment – great topic, thanks M!
Thanks all, these have been really, really interesting comments!! Please feel free to keep commenting as I will keep up to date on this topic. x x
There are many things that I miss – family is definitely at the top of my list. I moved from the UK to the US and on the West Coast as well — quite a time difference. During the last 3 years that I have been here my parents have visited once. Family members and close family friends have sadly passed away. New babies have been born and I have not really been part of it. There is a time delay and the feeling that I am in a kind of bubble – not quite part of the changes happening to my family and friends in the UK. I am becoming a kind of intimate stranger — I know that sounds odd.
I miss hearing the notes, tones and local phrases that subtly support your sense of place. Everyday I am reminded that I don’t quite belong. Sometimes it is a very ‘present’ knowledge and other times it can hit you. You use a word or a phrase loaded with meaning to that place you come from and now means little or nothing. Then comes the gentle teasing of ‘we don’t say that here’ — a not so subtle reminder that you are different, even if it is well meant. I remember the first time someone here told me that I would need to lose my accent “to fit in” and to stop being British. It’s a little more difficult than you would think
I do miss certain foods – but I have to say I have thankfully been able to find enough British treats in the US that it assuages my homesickness.
I do miss the sense of place – the history of home and the ability to access those places. Walking through castles, Roman ruins, medieval marketplaces — I love and miss it.
Now what I love about the US is the wide open spaces — the sheer grandeur of it – quite breathtaking. I enjoy being able to afford a little luxury here that I could not afford in the UK. I enjoy the vibrancy of possibility — that beautiful spirit and sense of being able to achieve anything. Life opens to you in different ways in different places.
For me it’s being apart from my Mum, when she needs my help and I’m not 5 minutes away any more, and when I phone full of anguish about how she is coping with her ill health, that’s the times I feel so far away.
I’ve written a blog post about this issue but to summerize – sometimes subtle language differences can be very frustrating. I’ve been in Australia for 5 years now and still have a hard time communicating with people on occasion because they are so focused on the WAY I talk and not WHAT I’m saying I don’t get anything across.
That, and constantly being an ambassador for America. Anytime anything politically charged happens stateside, I turn into the go-to person for my opinion and/or an explanation. I’ve stopped attempting to change our stereotype…there are just to many haters!
Totally sympathize with you Nat. I feel exactly the same way!
For me the hardest thing about living in the UK for the last 9 and a half years is a) getting a bank account and b) finding a job.
Tell me about it!
Ive been abroad (North America) now for over two years and find myself in a relationship with the girl of the dreams. Initially I had planned to only stay a few years and return to Australia, I know how lucky I am to be from there. Though this has all now changed..
I doubt she will want to move away from her family and frankly I’m not sure if it’s fair to move her. The time is fast approaching where I have to make a decision and stick to it. I do love my adopted country and I have a good job, some might view it as first world problems however daily I am torn, I genuinely don’t know what to do. Being a 24 hour flight away from aging parents who at best see twice a year is the biggest drawcard to go home. Though I’m currently in the best relationship of my life and if she was Australian I’d marry her in a heart beat. I simply can’t decide
It’s great hearing stories from people who have stayed abroad and made a life.